i havent felt this sad in a long while. in fact, i recall making the decision to deliberately buoy and surround myself with activity and happiness in order to avoid sadness, but it came round and slapped me in the face anyway.
i trust this feeling will evaporate in time because i will make the most of what i get and find happiness in what i have etc etc.
but meanwhile...
im finding out that not much hurts me more than failing myself.
what a waste of time and effort..
to eventually find,
that i face 4 years of doing:
something i didn't really want to do (no matter how delightful it turns out to be),
someplace i really didn't want to be (i always wanted to come back, don't get me wrong, but who'd have imagined i'd be forced to stay).
surrounded by people i didn't want to have to face.
damn how disappointingly different things have turned out to be, from what i'd envisioned.
looks like i have no choice but to stick with this
how true that As alone can't get you to where you want. and to think i worked so hard to get those As too - look what good that's got me:
insurmountable expectations and irrepressible disappointment.
all in all, i guess i can safely say that
i am a failure, with the As to prove it.
fresh.
thank you, and help me, God.
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