damnit.

I'm falling into a habit of wanting what I can't have. Ie. Taking risks on my time, heart and pride - effectively holding them out on a platter in the pursuit of something I think I want, only to be smashed down.

I wonder if anyone really knows how much I think I want to leave Sg, how deep this longing goes, how intensely I yearn for it? And how much I've invested in this "dream". And yet, I'm now re-thinking if I only think I want this.. If I'm crafting it as an outlet of escape and it's really a matter of me being unsettled and unhappy with my life that requires something else to alleviate; that the solution does not lie in my running away from Sg? Should I take these as signs and stop my fruitless pursuit?

Am I being chicken giving excuses for myself to stop trying so hard, or is it really not meant to be? I wish I had settled for less and never latched on to this idea.. Just look where that got me: It's extremely likely I'm exactly where I would still be had I not ever dreamt of studying overseas. The only difference lies in how I feel; whereas I could have been satisfied and carefree here at Nus, I'm instead chained and misplaced.

Wanna retreat to the old times when spoilt teenage me could rant and be angsty and it was permissible cos I was young and stupid. Now, there's a duty to withhold such "childish" outbursts (particularly one word beginning with F that i do recall being a staple of my vocab some time back), and act in a "mature" way.

I wish I'd stop crying but I can't help it. I want to not cry because what is the point of showcasing my emotions? I don't need to see/feel myself cry to know how I'm feeling (I KNOW im feeling like shit w/o seeing myself cry), so crying essentially lets other people know how I'm feeling, but why would I want other people to know how I'm feeling? So they can look at me with condescension and pity? Damnit.