expectations piling

There is a matter I'm having trouble reconciling. When I miss an opportunity or watch it pass me by, there's a sense of waste that I hadn't pursued it. Feels wasted cos I'm a smart kid (at least in some ways even though I feel less so on the bad days) and applying myself feels not just the right thing to do but the dutiful thing to do (duty to who?!) - like I wasn't given this intelligence to NOT apply it you know...

But when I do aim high and thrust myself into a position or environment that tests and calls upon my so-called intelligence, Im at a complete and shameless loss. Im still afraid to say the wrong or stupid or insensitive thing so i say naught. Im so used to being right it's terrifying sometimes, the thought of being wrong haha. totally shameful yah - "sometimes everyone makes mistakes" and "stumble along the way" and "but that is how we learn" but... I hate those feelings so so much! Maybe I wasn't born to do great things after all, maybe i'll never find my footing or my voice, maybe i'll never lead (this particular point looks extra likely)... That'll be such a disappointment esp. given the expectations that have piled up alongside so-called achievement. Success may not directly equal leadership, but many successful people are leaders - with charisma, confidence and a respect and reverance from others.Incompatible with my personality? I think at the root of this problem of mine is that Im essentially scared shitless of making mistakes.

so why do i keep churning results even when i feel i did like shit for them? it's like every A i get is still a surprise... Like im waiting for the ticking time bomb to explode so my true colors will finally (and it might even be relieveing!) be revealed: that im actually, like, NOT smart. And w every A comes the expectation of another and another while the awe factor continues to fall - like achieving an A isn't a big deal anymore, but I'v still got to get it (by working my butt off along the way).. It's like when Jud climbs a NW route I will watch in anticipation for her to flash it. Or when Planet does one of his little dynamic jumps I always expect him to stick it. Or when Dor is tackling a particularly impoosible-looking move and decides to campus it, I always count on the magnificence of the success of her attempt. Pressure anyone? Haha. so as I roll in the acad results, Im expected to always do so. The pressure may suck, but would I know how to live w/o it?

This entry was so incoherent - seems like no matter how much I like to write I may never get tgood at it; just something else I gotta learn to live with BAH.