maybe the reason i often speak badly of my family / relationships with my family members is this: i've found out that the things you love the most can easily turn into the things you hate the most, and things that make you the happiest have a proportionately higher potential than other things to cause you the most awful kind of sadness.
there are 2 ways that i think this reasoning could work.
1. the act/phenomenon of depriving or taking away. the higher the value you had placed upon a certain thing, the more pain, sadness, etc. you'd feel if the thing were taken away from you
2. the more you value something, the less accepting you become of other versions of it. in other words, the more you value a thing, the more you come to value it just the way that it is. and if beyond your control the thing changes, you find it difficult to love/value it for what it has become, reminiscing instead for the version of it that you've embedded as the "ideal".
it boils back down to the thing about expectations that i seem to forever go on about; higher expectations = higher risk of falling/hurting hard, so i'm switched to an auto-mode of finding ways and means to lower my own expectations in order to protect myself. it appears that one of these ways is by speaking of my family the way that i do.
on the face of it, i admit that it's a sorry state of affairs. but in my defense i'm thinking in the longer term of 1.keeping my emotions (which i somehow feel i have less control over their display than other people do) in check and my general emotional state healthy, and 2. preserving whatever positivity i have left for the institution of the family since it appears deeply entrenched in the society of which i am a part and which i am likely to continue participating in for the rest of my life.
i said a lot of "i" and "my" in this post...
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