jaded

There's grumpy, and then there's me.
There's snappy, and then there's me.
There's bitchy, and then there's me.
There's disappointment, and then there's me.

I don't wanna be grumpy snappy bitchy and disappointed they are all lousy things to be, especially during Ramadhan the best month of the year. But.

Results are pouring in and there's nothing to laugh about and everything to be disappointed about.

I'm all alone in a room full of people. Mum's gone. Lyna didn't come back last night, popping in at 5am to pop back out at 6. Redefines treating-the-house-like-a-hotel; cos then you gotta check in/check out/abide by the no-smoking policy. Linda's a gem and i don't know what i'd do without her.

On this note, i must say marie's a gem too albeit a very different kind of gem and i don't know what it'd be like without her in class.

And im still being amaZed but i guess this is a fact of life, how you can think you know someone, and they turn out to someone else altogether...
Oh I can't wait to get out of here, but this feeling is familiar... and if i keep running and running empirically i will get nowhere. I need to live each moment and be grateful for everything i have at this point in time, without asking for more. easy peasy.. not.

On the one hand i know how lucky i am to be here, to be me, and to have all this. But on the other hand... ah the bloody other hand. the bane of my life. why is there always that other hand. why can't things just be more straightforward, not like an amylose chain that will get boring, but maybe an amylopectin... straight on the whole but braching out intermittently to keep some spice in life. but maybe it is! i AM amylopectin and im just making a mountain out of a molehill. but still.. i can't quite help the way i feel.

And i've become a sucker at studying while fasting i just cannot concentrate on studying and revising and it really sucks. Add in the lousy results and you get a grumpy snappy bitchy disappointed elysa. I wouldn't wanna be around me right now but i guess it's the mark of friendship to be there when the world turns their back, so to my friends im sorry for being a wacko freak sometimes. Maybe i'll direct my studious efforts at helping linda with her SA since im going nowhere trying to help bloody me. never met a more strong-willed yet pushy-squishy little girl as her in my life...

Which i still don't know what to do with.